Pretend I'm Alright
by TheDiscoDolphin
Summary: Love sometimes can be hard to tell. Based on the song "Echo" by Jason Walker. Arthur/ Merlin with hint of Arthur/ Gwen
1. Part 1

_"Hello, hello._

_Anybody out there? Cause I don't hear a sound._

_Alone, alone._

_I don't know where the world it, but I miss it now." _

Forever. What that entails, no one knows. I thought I knew once, but I was wrong. He was perfect. WE were perfect. How foolish I was then. If only the new me could speak to the former me. Marrying a woman, that was a mistake on my behalf. Especially when it was so obvious that someone so dear to me was hurting so much. A certain blue eyed male.

_Merlin._

I smiled, after all this time. He was the only one who stayed solely for me. Guinevere left me a few years ago. She said, "I can't love someone whose heart no longer belongs to me as mine does to him." I had no idea what she meant until a few months later when our son was born and we had to name him. We both rattled off names for a while. Mordred, after our once friend. Albion, after the kingdom we had built. Alexander, after one of Guienevere's old friends. For a while, we even debated on the name Merlin. We discussed it for two weeks. Eventually, we both decided it was too close to our hearts. We finally settled on Amr. That was over five years ago.

Guienevere left three of those five years ago. She left me Amr, promising that she would still be a part of Amr's life-as his mother- but she could no longer be my queen. The queen of my untamed heart. She knew, she told me once, that I loved her once, but also that that time had long since passed. She knew that I loved some one else-someone much, much more reserved than her.

We were in our room that night, just two nights before our Amr was conceived. She was laughing, smiling as I was tickling her. Come to think of it, that was the last time I heard her laugh. That was the last time I felt truly married. She finally pushed me off of her nude body.

She was calming herself down. "Ar-ar-Arthur!"

I smiled, "Yes, milady?" I smirked, as our bare skin rubbed against one another's.

She bit her lip, holding back a moan. "Arthur, stop it!" She said as she playfully slapped me on my chest.

I smiled and kissed her lips lightly. "You know you love me, milady. Or shall I say your highness?" I playfully raised my eyebrow.

She smiled, "Arthur, do you want any children? I'm being serious. Don't mess around with me now."

My mouth opened wide- in shock, of course- "Of course, I do. That's every man's dream. Especially a king."

Three years and two nights after our wedding day, our marriage was finally consummated. I never knew just how much of a stressful time period the next nine months would be on our marriage. Eventually ending it.

I smiled as I walked into our bedroom, finding my queen sitting on our bed-waiting for me. She was still fully clothed, but in her eyes, you could see her hopes and wishes. She had always wanted a family. I still can't believe that I was the one who could bring that to her and she could bring that to me.

"Come to me, Arthur. Come to me." She said in the most seductive voice she could manage. She was biting her lower lip, obviously ready for the task. More so than I was.

It wasn't until we were both about to do the deed that I realized what was wrong...I wasn't aroused the way she was. My organ was still limp on my body as her peaks were almost tearing the tissue on my body. Still that did not hinder my abilities. I made her as my queen do some things to me that I swore no one would ever do. Definitely not a woman.

_"I'm out on the edge and I'm screaming my name_

_Like a fool at the top of my lungs._

_Sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm alright, _

_But it's never enough."_

"Daddy?" A small voice broke me free from my distant memories. Memories that aren't as distant as I'd like them to be.

"Yes, Amr?" I said softly, bending down so I am eye level with him. My only son. The only love in my life.

"Merlin said he loved someone. Daddy, what is love?" He said with the most innocent eyes in the world. They were so full of curiosity. So full of confusion.

I had the audacity to laugh at the thought of my manservant being in any stage of a romantic relationship. "Love? Merlin in love?"

"Why is that so humorous, my lord?" A man's voice said from behind me.

_Merlin._

I turned around to see his face. It seemed to be in pain. He did not wish for me to know and it seemed as though he was shocked by my reaction. As if it was his last thought that I would react like that. But Merlin, of all people, in love? It just didn't seem right.

What is even worse is the feeling I got in my stomach. What is this horrible, horrible feeling? Is it...jealousy? It couldn't be. I have no feelings like that for any other men. Gwaine...Lancelot...Percival. All of these men are my friends, but nothing more. Why is it that the scrawniest, gangliest, most innocent man of them all attracts me more than the others?

"Merlin, I didn't mean it like that. I just..." I couldn't think of a good reason. "Can't see you with anyone."

"No one or no one but you?" He raised his eyebrow quizzically.

I looked down at my only son. "Amr, go to your room. Merlin and I need to..." I looked Merlin in the eyes, raising an eyebrow. "Talk... Alone."

"Oh...kay?" He said as he walked away, confused as to what his father was saying. I watched as he closed the door behind him with a hard slam.

I turned back as soon as Amr walked out of the room. Startled by the pair of lips that were thrust upon my own when I did. I pushed him away, shocked that I was only shocked, not disgusted.

"I'm so sorry, my lord. I promise not to do that ever again." Merlin immediately babbled out, covering his own mouth with his dainty hand.

I grabbed his hand, pulling his body into my own. My eyes locked on his, my voice was hushed. "Merlin, Merlin. Shush. You need not to apologize."

I leaned in towards him, finding myself losing my breath. This man is the first to leave me truly breathless. Two seconds later, my lips were placed softly on his.

"DADDY!" I heard a small voice call out.

Oh crap!


	2. Part 2

_"Cause my echo, echo _

_is the only voice coming back. _

_Shadow, shadow_

_is the only friend that I have."_

I let go of the man who felt wonderful to touch. I moved forward to my only son. Sadly, the only child I will ever have.

"Father? Why do you kiss Merlin like that?" My innocent son asked.

I got down on one knee, eye-level with Amr. "That is because I am attracted to him. Merlin is a very lovely man." I have never been so honest with my son-or anyone- before. "Merlin is..." I struggled to find a way to describe him, "something I've never asked myself before. I've never asked myself if I could ever love another man before." I looked into my son's eyes, about to cry. "And I think I can, I really believe I can love another man more than I ever did your mother."

"Merlin Father's other side of the coin?" My small prince said, trying to grasp the concept of my feelings for my manservant.

I bite my lower lip, treading on water. "Maybe, maybe not. But I have to figure it out for myself. Only time can tell.

A smile crept on my son's adorable face. "Merlin new father. Merlin new king."

I chuckled, wondering if my son would ever be correct. Would Merlin ever become one with the king of Camelot under holy matrimony?

Why would any sane person marry someone who was twenty-four, divorced, and had a five year-old son? If I were in Merlin's shoes, would I be interested in someone like that? Or would I shun the person?

_"Listen, Listen._

_I would take a whisper if that's all you had to give._

_But it isn't, is it?_

_You could come and save me and try to chase the crazy right out of my head."_

After a month of hiding behind closed doors about Merlin and my relationship, today was the day we were going to go completely public. I am not ashamed to say that he is my boyfriend to my kingdom, but I am afraid that my subjects are going to treat me differently and unjustly so.

"Arthur?" I heard my boyfriend's voice calling out to me.

"Yes?" I said as I turned around, buttoning the last button on my shirt. He looked beautiful, the way his blue eyes sparkled in the natural lighting.

"Are you sure this is the way you want to do this?...Wouldn't you like something a lot less sudden? Something more modest?" He was as nervous as I was. It was as adorable as my so-OUR son- is. I had truly fallen in love with my manservant over the very short month of which we had been dating, but it didn't matter. It felt as if to me that we had been dating so much longer. Like we were not only meant for each other in this life, but we are meant to be together in all of our previous and future lives as well.

"Merlin," I spun him around so we could lock eyes. "I have never been more sure of anything in my life. I want you. If my subjects cannot handle that, then I will denounce myself as king of Camelot. I will not rule for a kingdom that cannot support its ruler no matter what." I held his cheeks between my palms. "Merlin, you are ruling my heart and I wouldn't want it any other way. You are the other side of my coin. I need you in darkness and in light, in sickness and in health, so Merlin," I dropped to one knee. "Will you make me the happiest man in Camelot and marry me?" I said, so nervous that I almost fell over. Merlin stared at my one bent knee for a while, mouth hanging wide ope, shocked-I assumed. "Merlin, my love, can you please speak? Flies are coming in and out of your mouth."

He shut his mouth finally, then swallowed so he could say with conviction. "Yes, yes, of course, Arthur. I will marry you." He smiled as I slid the ring on his finger. Once the ring was on, he put my cheeks in between his hands and kissed me with more love than I've ever felt.

_Six months later_

I watched as Amr walked down the aisle, bearing the rings my groom and I would soon be wearing forever. I was so nervous that I vomitted this morning. What if he walked halfway down the aisle, realized who he was going to get married to, turned around, and became a runaway groom?

What if he didn't show up at all?

I began to pace as the doors flew open, signaling another being entering the very large room. The room was full of my citizens. Our citizens. The room -which was once famous for my father's notorious yelling matches- was uncharacteristically silent. I slowly looked up to see him, my Merlin, taking tiny steps towards me. He was dressed in a snow white shirt and trousers, accessorized with a red rose pinned to his shirt. The rose was enough color to bring out the flush on his pale cheeks. It also brought out the color of his bright blue eyes. Three, two, one more step until I would be able to feel Merlin's warm hand in my cold one.

His hand was finally linked with mine. We turned around to face the elderly librarian. He was a good subject and loyal friend.

"We gather here today to bring Arthur Pendragon and Merlin together in holy matrimony. Is there anyone with us that objects?"

I turned around, worried that someone objected to our happiness. No one said anything, so we proceeded with the ceremony. After a short time that seemed like forever, the librarian finally said:

"I now pronounce you man and man. You may kiss the groom."

I pressed my lips onto my husband's lips passionately, eager to start our amazing journey of forever.

_"I just don't wanna be an island._

_I just want to feel alive and _

_get to see your face again._

_But until then, _

_just my echo, my shadow, _

_you're my only friend."_

I laid a single flower on his grave, a tear rolling down my cheek. "I miss you, Emrys. You were supposed to still be here, with our sons. You were supposed to survive. You shouldn't've jumped in front of me when Morgana tried to kill me. My life is now worthless. The only reason I am still alive is because of our children- Lohot, Amr, and Gwydre. I know they need me, but it's really hard for me to wake up and not see your smiling face, fingers already combing through my blonde locks." My tears were now flowing freely down my cheeks. "I miss you so much, Emrys Pendragon." I kissed the stone and walked home, trying to look presentable to my kingdom once again.


	3. Question

Should I make a prequel/sequel?


	4. Sequel is posted

The sequel is posted. Its title is I Was There.


End file.
